Lonely Nights Haiku

I love your pure soul.
To you on nights black as coal,
To hold is my goal.

By Sado Hiroshi aka Chad Worden

Haiku: The Mountains and valleys when the light came.

Chad Alexander Worden aka Sado Hiroshi

08-30-2009

The snow has fallen
on the mountains and valleys.
The earth has grown cold.

Inside the mountain
a fire still burns with great heat
and promise of Spring.

Suddenly a light
appears on the horizon.
The ice melts away.

Grasses green burst forth
covering the mountain sides
in a verdant sea.

Hidden blossoms bloom
and give their rare, sweet fragrance
to the light alone.

The light and the earth
dance the rhythm of passion.
A new love is born.

The love is nurtured.
A frail and small life comes forth.
Light and earth rejoice.

The passions ignite
through the difficult Spring storms
bringing life again.

Two lives brought forth now.
Spring slips away to Summer.
The time of bounty.

Light and earth provide
for the two new lives with them
and their love matures.

Summer's heat wears on.
The light bears down on the earth.
The earth becomes dry.

The dry earth bears dust.
Clouds begin to form above.
A great storm draws near.

The fierce light rages on.
The fragile lives cry softly.
The earth draws within.

A terrible heat
stirs anew in the mountain.
Magma burns below.

The grasses are scorched.
The flowers wilt in the heat.
The light still rages on.

What once gave such life,
now steadily burns it all.
The earth moans in pain.

The mountain's seams split.
Fire bursts forth from its bowels.
The storm has arrived.

Smoke, steam, and lava.
The eruption blackens sky.
The light and life flee.

The earth weeps cold tears.
The tears cover the lava.
The fires are smothered.

The tears continue.
The earth is flooded by them.
The land is scoured.

The sky is pitch black.
Tears begin to turn to ice.
Earth grows cold again.

The fire below, gone.
The passions of the mountain
have all turned to ash.

With its passion gone,
the mountain is empty now.
A barren, cold shell.

The mountain may fall.
It may crumble and lie dead.
A field for flowers.

For now, the earth waits.
Hope that the light will return
and life will come back.

The earth still feels love.
A longing to return there.
To the light and life.

Blog things and a quick update.

I'm going to be uncontactable again until Friday. Those of you who know what is going on also know how to contact me in case of emergency.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Low
Lust:	High
Pride:	Medium

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

You Are Confident

You are self-assured and together. You have high self esteem. Other people see you as outgoing, hyper, and even a bit overwhelming. Your ideal romantic relationship is unconventional, wild, and very public. You do best in tasks that require you to be logical, hard-working, and courageous.

The Shape Test

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Your Eyes Should Be Hazel

Your eyes reflect: Intellect and sensuality People find you to be: Exciting, alluring, and unique Your best trait: You are a truly fascinating person, with many layers What's hidden behind your eyes: Subtle manipulation

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Your Scandinavian Name Is: Latham Lamont

Uff da!

What's Your Scandinavian Name?

Your Goth Name is: Vladimir Dystopia

But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking. Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter.

What's Your Goth Name?

You Are the Communicator

You are a collector and facilitator of knowledge. You love storytelling and teaching. You light up when you're around other people, and you especially light up in front of a crowd. You are a charismatic person who's genuinely a joy to be with. You remind others to have fun. You love life, and you're wake up grateful for every new day. This attitude makes the people around you love life as well.

What's Your Life's Mission?

You Are Factual

You are highly intelligent, especially in areas that deal with concrete knowledge and facts. You are amazingly analytical. You can make sense of chaos without involving your emotions. If anything, you tend to be overly logical. It's sometimes hard for you to come to a decision, because you're too busy weighing all the options. People turn to you in times of trouble. They know that they can trust you to give good, well thought out advice.

Are You Flirtatious, Fearless, Factual, or Friendly?

You Are Probably Not Pregnant

It seems like you're in the clear, but you should really take a test to be sure.

Are You Pregnant?

You Are Ballroom Dancing

You are sophisticated and classy. Definitely not the type to be seen dancing on a bar. You are a bit old fashioned. You prefer dance to be subtly sexy, not in your face sexy. You are sentimental and nostalgic. You appreciate the beauty of old things. You are even tempered and cooperative. You work well with a partner.

What Dance Are You?

You Would Make an Okay 1930's Wife

You have some of the attributes of an ideal 1930's wife... but you probably didn't intend it to be that way. You don't buy into retro gender roles, though you do embrace your femininity at times. A 1930's man may find you passable, but you probably wouldn't want anything to do with him.

Would You Have Been a Good Wife in the 1930s?

Your Lust Quotient: 56%

You are definitely a lustful person, but you do a good job of hiding it. Your friends would be surprised to know that your secretly very wild!

How Much Lust Do You Have?

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Your Physical Flirt Level: 90%

You are a major physical flirt. You definitely can't keep your hands to yourself! Whether you're playing footsie or giving a lingering hug, you're known for touching. And while some people may welcome this flirting style, not everyone likes it. Don't stop touching people, but make sure your advances are appropriate and welcomed.

Are You a Physical Flirt?

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane men, you want a great girl who will treat you well. But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mrs. Right You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating. You probably have quite a few great girls you can date!

Are You Too Picky When It Comes To Men?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt. And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting. Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt. And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

You Attract a Scorpio

When intense, stubborn, dominant Scorpio meet you, they've met your match. You can ramp up the passion and sexuality in your relationship to meet Scorpio's cravings. You can respect your Scorpio's strong opinions and indulge your Scorpio's preferences. You are happy with whatever makes your Scorpio passionate, because the passion eventually comes back to you!

What Sign Do You Attract?

You Are a Chief

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause. You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too. Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others. You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress. Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities Your power color: Crimson red Your power symbol: Snowflake Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Birth Month Says You're Wise

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years. You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian. Your soul reflects: Devotion, light, and love Your gemstone: Sapphire Your flower: Morning Glory Your colors: Brown and deep blue

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

You Were a Skunk

You carry yourself with sensuality and a flowing energy. You have a great reputation, and you follow your own (good) advice.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

I think I've posted this next one before on my Myspace page.

Your Life Path Number is 1

Your purpose in life is to lead others. You have great drive and determination. Nothing is going to stand in your way. You seek out challenges and the spotlight. You'll take all the work - and all the glory. Status and success are important to you. You demand the best from everyone and everything. In love, you tend to take a protective role. You enjoy being the provider in relationships. You expect others to be like you, and as a result, you are often disappointed. A little selfish and vain, you always put yourself first. Remember, everyone already knows you're great - you don't need to remind them!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy. You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself. Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in. People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal. You are most compatible with: A and AB Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

Your Expression Number is 8

Driven and ambitious, you have the potential to reach great things. You're both good with money and good at getting things done quickly. You are an excellent leader and a great judge of character. Full of energy and confidence, you undertake projects that seem impossible. Dependable and determined, you are able to understand the bigger picture. Even if you are not in a position of power right now, it will fall to you. At times, you can be very materialistic - and obsessed with status and power. While this isn't always a bad thing, you sometimes take it to the extreme. In order to be truly happy, you must balance the material and spiritual in your life.

What's Your Expression Number?

You Should Be A Virgo

What's good about you: you have a quiet determination and aren't swayed by emotions What's bad about you: you are an insane perfectionist and easily find faults in others In love: you are obsessed with making your partner happy In friendship, you're: helpful and giving - eager to be a true friend Your ideal job: poet, flight attendant, or natural healer Your sense of fashion: casual, upscale, revealing, conservative - you look good in all of it You like to pig out on: a well prepared five course meal

What Sign Should You Be?

Your Height Says You're Unconventional

You are powerful, brilliant, and a bit of a rebel. You are an idealist, and you will work hard for a better world. It's hard for other people to keep up with you - both mentally and physically. And you're so independent, you actually prefer to go it alone. You are about as tall as the average Italian man.

What Does Your Height Say About You?

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are The Emperor

You are an authority figure, and other people look to you for what to do. You are strong and powerful. Crossing you is not a good idea. You have worked hard to get to your position, and you're not about to give it up to anyone. Though you have a warrior heart, you are gentle to those who treat you well. Your fortune: In the near future, you need to be willing and able to defend those you love. This may be the time for you to step up and be the authority figure to those around you. It is time for you to be independent, to become your own person. You may need to look at your relationship with your father, or your relationships as a father.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Your Spiritual Number is Six

You bring communication and empathy into people's lives. You are very open and understanding. You can accept difficult people. Right now, your life is about being understood. You have trouble with your own vulnerability. You end up playing the role of therapist in relationships, and it's hard to get people to ask about you. You will take time out for those you love, even if you don't have much time. You can't help but be nurturing. You are very responsible and ethical. You deliver on your promises.

What's Your Spiritual Number?

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and will compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you will do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit. You're always diplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your True Love Is an Aquarius

Why you'll love an Aquarius: Independent yet devoted, you'll appreciate the unique approach to love Aquarius takes. You both see love as a bit of a game, and Aquarius will challenge you until you're completely hooked. Why an Aquarius will love you: You're secure enough to give Aquarius tons of space - even if it means separate interests and friends. You have the brains to keep Aquarius engaged and curious. And the passion to change the world together!

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Your Birthday's Wisdom is Action

If there is one thing you've learned in life, it's get moving. Procrastination just makes things so much worse. If you dream it, you do it. You believe in going for it. And as a result, you've had success in many arenas. You rather regret what you did than regret what you were scared to do.

What's Your Birthday's Wisdom?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

Your Dosha is Kapha

Calm and grounded, you are not prone to mood swings or anger. However, once you do get angry, it takes a lot to cool you down. You tend to think a little slower than most people, but your logic is astounding. Overall, you very loyal and trustworthy. You're not scared of being who you really are. With friends: You enjoy their company, but often listen more than talk In love: You crave connection and affection. It's hard for you to be single. To achieve more balance: Exercise vigorously (especially in the sun) and let go of attachments.

What's Your Dosha?

You are 87% Virgo

You are 87% Virgo

How Virgo Are You?

Your Name Comes from Saturn

You are a hard worker, and you take your responsibilities seriously. Some people may find you to be cold, but your sense of humor is hard to pick up on at first. You have always been an old soul, and you tend to be the teacher in most relationships. You are often too hard on yourself but only because you are trying to be the best person possible.

What Planet Does Your Name Come From?

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

You Are Calculating

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Rising Sign is Aquarius

You are an interesting mix of introspective and outlandish. Waving your freak flag high, you really do things your own way. While you may seem distant, you care very deeply for humanity. You just have no tolerance for fools, slackers, or dullards. And while you're fairly misanthropic, many are drawn to you. Innovative and clever, people look to you for new ideas and trends.

What's Your Rising Sign?

Your Address Says You're Down to Earth

Right now, you are doing well in life. You are responsible and successful. You are practical and easily satisfied. You enjoy working hard and playing hard. At your best, you are relaxed and content. You don't get worked up easily. At your worst, you are a bit too serious. It's hard for you to lighten up.

What Does Your Address Say About You?

Your Power Element is Metal

Your power colors: white, gold, and silver Your energy: contracting Your season: fall You are persistent (and maybe even a little bit stubborn). If you see something you want, you go for it. You have a lot of strength, and it's difficult to get you down. Very logical, you tend to analyze everything going on in your life.

What's Your Power Element?

You Are An ESTJ

The Guardian You're a natural leader and a quick, logical decision maker. Goals are important in your life, and you take many steps to achieve them. You enjoy interacting with others, mostly through work related activities. Your high energy level means that you are great at getting things done! In love, you tend to bring stability to relationships. You feel comfortable being in charge, and you enjoy being a provider. At work, you take charge. You thrive in structured environments and don't mind enforcing the rules. You would make a great teacher, judge, or police detective. How you see yourself: Realistic, stable, and pragmatic When other people don't get you, they see you as: Rigid, bound to rules, and a bad listener

What's Your Personality Type?

Blog things help me work out my feelings.

Your Partner May Be Cheating

There's no solid proof that your partner is cheating, but your suspicions may be right. You are not getting the full story in your relationship. Your partner is hiding something. It's likely that your partner is not happy with you and is acting poorly because of it. Start communicating or at least do some snooping! You need to get to the bottom of this.

Is Your Partner Cheating On You?

I don't know about this. It's just a stupid quiz, but there has been more than one person who has told me this is probably the case. I just hope that isn't the reason she is taking this so far. I hope we can work things out and reconcile our differences. I still love her very much and want to be there with her and the kids. I just can't right now because of, well... things beyond my control.

Your Theme Song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

"There is no pain, you are receding. A distant ship'­s smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves." You haven't been feeling a lot lately, and you think that's a good thing. The comfortable part is nice... but you should really work on numb.

What's Your Theme Song?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Your Heart is Feeling Broken

Your heart is pretty much destroyed right now, and it's hard for you to think of anything else. You are in deep despair, and sometimes it feels like you will never love again. Your heart may be at its lowest point right now. Things can only get better from here. Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Being swept away by the wrong person Your current outlook on love: You find yourself wondering if love is ever worth it Your love life will improve if you: Take a lot of steps back. You're in no shape to fall in love right now. Watch out for: Anyone who may try to take advantage of your fragile state.

What Is Your Heart Feeling?

Yeah, that's pretty accurate too.

Your Ex Is Paranoid

Whether your ex was accusing you of cheating or your friends of being evil... Your ex definitely saw things that weren't there! People with paranoid personality disorder bear grudges, are always suspicious, and confide in no one. Sound at all familiar?

What's Wrong With Your Ex?

I hope it won't come to the point that I have an ex-wife, but she has filed for divorce. I don't want that and I don't know what to do about it.

You Scored an A

You got 9/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

Randomness, I know.

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap. If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

Heh, yeah that's true.

You Are the Superego

While some people may think first and act later... you often don't act at all. You rather be safe than sorry, and you take ethics pretty seriously. Like everyone, you have some pretty crazy desires. But unlike everyone, you restrain yourself. You have high standards for your own behavior. And you happily exceed them.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

Now it seems like I'm just fishing for compliments from a machine.

Your Dreams Are Important

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious. You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. Overall, you are very content in your life. You tend to be a very productive thinker. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind. You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

Alright, accurate enough I suppose.

You Should Visit Mexico

You can be as comfortable as you want, eating fast food and partying with English speakers in resort town. But if you're feeling brave, venture out to Mexico City - or explore the tropical Yucatan.

What Latin American Country Should You Visit?

Well, I am learning Spanish after all. Maybe I should gather as much money as I can however I can and just go to Mexico? Yeah, and then I should think for half a second on how bad an idea that sounds like to me. Hot, humid, full of Mexicans and currently in the middle of a drug war. No, I don't think I'll be going to Mexico at any point soon in the future. I'd be more likely to go to Canada where I actually have family and friends, but not until I get everything sorted out down here.

Oh, I've actually started another journal too. Paper and pen in a notebook. I started it on the 21st of July, 2009 I believe. I'm hoping it will help me deal with what is happening. It isn't a very happy journal, but it is pretty long already. Maybe after all of this is sorted out, I'll reread it and see if it isn't too personal to show anyone.

You Are a Playwright

You are a highly literate wordsmith. You love both reading and writing. You are also a natural storyteller. You can turn a mediocre anecdote into a riveting tale. You find people and all aspects of life fascinating. No topic is off limits for you. In modern times, you would make a good filmmaker or novelist.

What's Your Medieval Profession?

Not surprising there, though I think I'd enjoy being a playwright less than I would some form of nobility.

You Are 50% Addicted to Blogthings

You're a Blogthings fiend - addicted but not totally dependent. So what if you know your personality type by heart? And while you may feel like Blogthings is crack... There are people much worse off than you!

How Addicted To Blogthings Are You?

Umm... no I'm not. Really, no. Nuh uh. Not at all. Uh... maybe?

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning. It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Are You A Good Cook?

Yeah, I like to cook. Yes, I am good at it. I try to be modest, but I really enjoy cooking for people. I just don't know if I want to do it in a restaurant. I enjoy more intimate gatherings for my culinary displays.

You've Experienced 56% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s. You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to. Regardless of your age, you may feel like you are still getting started. Don't forget to look back at how far you've come. You've traveled a lot further than you might think.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Wow, scary. Pegged my age rather well on this one.

Your Love Number is 1

You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argument You take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective. You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart. At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around.

What Is Your Love Number?

I think this is true. All but maybe the losing perspective part. I think I have a tendency to put the desires of those I care about in front of my own personal needs. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself and less time trying to be everything for someone else.

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Again with the perspective line. I think I needed to trust my instincts more instead of constantly giving of myself when I wasn't getting in return.

You Had a Bad Year

Your year was horrible. There's no other way to say it. A lot went wrong for you, and you're still recovering from it. The good news is that things probably won't get worse for you. So look forward to the new year, where things will hopeful be much better!

How Did Your Year Rate?

Yeah, it hasn't been the greatest year.

You Are a Lizard

You are intuitive and sensitive. You pay close attention to your subconscious and your dreams. You embrace your fears and the darker side of life. It's easy for you to be detached and objective when you need to be. You are able to let go easily. You don't get attached to much. And considering how often you change course, people shouldn't get too attached to you.

What Reptile Are You?

Well, I do have occasional bouts of communication silence as anyone who knows me can attest.

You Are Not Prissy

You're the furthest thing from a princess - and you probably stay far away from any princess types you know. You have an easygoing approach to living. It doesn't take a lot to make you happy. And when life requires it, you're ready to get your hand a little dirty. There's no problem you're too prissy to tackle!

How Prissy Are You?

I think this one might be off. Perhaps I'm not prissy per say, but I can be very finicky. Like when Brandon and I insisted on learning how to give ourselves manicures and pedicures, or my habit of trying to always wear matching socks. I guess I am just OCD about things sometimes, not prissy.

Your Word is "Think"

You see life as an amazing mix of possibilities, ideas, and fascinations. And sometimes you feel like you don't have enough time to take it all in. You love learning. Whether you're in school or not, you're probably immersed in several subjects right now. When you're not learning, you're busy reflecting. You think a lot about the people you know and the things you've experienced.

What's Your Word?

Yes, that's true. Everything in life is meant to be experienced and used for personal growth and development. Make today a better tomorrow.

*sighs* I just wish Azalia was here with me to experience everything. There are so many things I want to talk to her about. She really is my best friend. Well, maybe was my best friend. I haven't given up hope on that. Maybe she'll drop all of this and we'll be able to work things out.

I'm willing to be separate from her for awhile if that is what she wants, but I don't want to be divorced or restricted from seeing my children. I love them all very much and miss them terribly. When Meghan passed the message from Azalia that Azalia's Aunt Elizabeth was on her death bed, all I wanted to do was to drop everything and comfort her regardless of the consequences.

I knew that it wasn't possible though. That to be there for Azalia I had to not be there. Nothing could be helped by me doing something that foolish and irrational. When I learned that she had died and I had missed the funeral, I felt like I had failed Azalia in my duties to her as her husband to help her through this difficult time. I'd give anything to have been there and held her close, but I can't.

For my part, I'm sorry things turned out like this. I should have just left her alone all that day. She was upset and I was trying to be supportive. She took out her feelings on me and I got hurt and became defensive. I just wanted to help and make her feel better. I even suggested something that she later said she was going to take me up on and just couldn't bring herself to telling me that I was right.

What I don't understand is, why? Why did she over-react? Why did she treat me so badly? Why did she get physical with me? Why? What is the real reason behind how she has been treating me for so long? Is it true that she has been cheating on me and this was just a convenient way to get me out of the picture? Why wasn't she trying to work things out? Why was it always a power struggle with her? Why was she always looking for weapons to use against me? Why was she always trying to control me? Why did it always have to be her way or the highway?

Why didn't anyone listen to me when I repeatedly asked for help? My father especially was bad at this. I told him what was going on multiple times and his answer was always along the lines of "just say 'yes dear'" or "it's not that bad, just give her what she wants" or "just let her cool off and then apologize to her." It's like he never listened to me. He just wanted me to grin and bear it, to accept responsibility for everything that ever went wrong. That even if she was wrong, to not call her on it or to just roll over and take a few shots to appease her. I really don't understand.

You Are a Salty Person

When it comes to snacks, you're more likely to grab a bag of chips over a bag of cookies. There's a good chance you're male (men prefer salty snacks)... Or at least, you feel very comfortable in male dominated environments. Your taste tends to be complex, sophisticated, and adult. You tend to crave your favorite restaurant meal... or mom's cooking.

Are You Sweet or Salty?

Yeah, I had to break up the dramatic rant with something random. I don't even know if I'm correct in saying all of those things, especially in a publicly available blog. The heck with it, I'm not labeling it as private. I want no secrets or lies on my conscience. I'm not ashamed of myself. I know what happened and I've told the truth. Whatever the consequences of that are, I will deal with whatever comes and work through it to attain the best possible conclusion. Whether it involves sacrifices on my part, I don't care. I won't give up. I'll keep hoping that Azalia and I can get through this together and grow from it. I'll do whatever I can to see that we become stronger and closer in our relationship through this.

I just hope she is willing to try as well. I don't know what she is doing or who she is talking to or whether or not she has been faithful to me through out it all. I have. I've given so much of myself up for her, and I think I still have a little more I'm willing to give. All I'm asking for is for all of this to be dropped so we can talk and decide together how to work this out.

When it all first happened, I was too devastated to think clearly about anything. I now know what I want. I did some soul searching and what I want is to be with her and the kids. If that is what she wants too, which I hope it is, then we need to talk to work things out. Being mature doesn't mean giving up, it means working on things even if it hurts and honoring the commitments and responsibilities that come with being an adult. Nothing ever came from giving up.

Well, I don't know who is going to read this or how much of it is going to get back to her; but this was more about what I needed to get off of my chest about how I feel and I don't regret it. Come whatever may be, I will adapt and survive.