Saturday, July 25, 2009

Blog things help me work out my feelings.

Your Partner May Be Cheating

There's no solid proof that your partner is cheating, but your suspicions may be right.

You are not getting the full story in your relationship. Your partner is hiding something.

It's likely that your partner is not happy with you and is acting poorly because of it.

Start communicating or at least do some snooping! You need to get to the bottom of this.

I don't know about this. It's just a stupid quiz, but there has been more than one person who has told me this is probably the case. I just hope that isn't the reason she is taking this so far. I hope we can work things out and reconcile our differences. I still love her very much and want to be there with her and the kids. I just can't right now because of, well... things beyond my control.

Your Theme Song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

"There is no pain, you are receding.

A distant ship'­s smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves."

You haven't been feeling a lot lately, and you think that's a good thing.

The comfortable part is nice... but you should really work on numb.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Your Heart is Feeling Broken

Your heart is pretty much destroyed right now, and it's hard for you to think of anything else.

You are in deep despair, and sometimes it feels like you will never love again.

Your heart may be at its lowest point right now. Things can only get better from here.

Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Being swept away by the wrong person

Your current outlook on love: You find yourself wondering if love is ever worth it

Your love life will improve if you: Take a lot of steps back. You're in no shape to fall in love right now.

Watch out for: Anyone who may try to take advantage of your fragile state.

Yeah, that's pretty accurate too.

Your Ex Is Paranoid

Whether your ex was accusing you of cheating or your friends of being evil...

Your ex definitely saw things that weren't there!

People with paranoid personality disorder bear grudges, are always suspicious, and confide in no one.

Sound at all familiar?

I hope it won't come to the point that I have an ex-wife, but she has filed for divorce. I don't want that and I don't know what to do about it.

You Scored an A

You got 9/10 questions correct.

It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors.

If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs.

As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human.

And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

Randomness, I know.

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.

If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

Heh, yeah that's true.

You Are the Superego

While some people may think first and act later... you often don't act at all.

You rather be safe than sorry, and you take ethics pretty seriously.

Like everyone, you have some pretty crazy desires. But unlike everyone, you restrain yourself.

You have high standards for your own behavior. And you happily exceed them.

Now it seems like I'm just fishing for compliments from a machine.

Your Dreams Are Important

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious.

You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep.

Overall, you are very content in your life.

You tend to be a very productive thinker.

Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.

Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.

Alright, accurate enough I suppose.

You Should Visit Mexico

You can be as comfortable as you want, eating fast food and partying with English speakers in resort town.

But if you're feeling brave, venture out to Mexico City - or explore the tropical Yucatan.

Well, I am learning Spanish after all. Maybe I should gather as much money as I can however I can and just go to Mexico? Yeah, and then I should think for half a second on how bad an idea that sounds like to me. Hot, humid, full of Mexicans and currently in the middle of a drug war. No, I don't think I'll be going to Mexico at any point soon in the future. I'd be more likely to go to Canada where I actually have family and friends, but not until I get everything sorted out down here.

Oh, I've actually started another journal too. Paper and pen in a notebook. I started it on the 21st of July, 2009 I believe. I'm hoping it will help me deal with what is happening. It isn't a very happy journal, but it is pretty long already. Maybe after all of this is sorted out, I'll reread it and see if it isn't too personal to show anyone.

You Are a Playwright

You are a highly literate wordsmith. You love both reading and writing.

You are also a natural storyteller. You can turn a mediocre anecdote into a riveting tale.

You find people and all aspects of life fascinating. No topic is off limits for you.

In modern times, you would make a good filmmaker or novelist.

Not surprising there, though I think I'd enjoy being a playwright less than I would some form of nobility.

You Are 50% Addicted to Blogthings

You're a Blogthings fiend - addicted but not totally dependent.

So what if you know your personality type by heart?

And while you may feel like Blogthings is crack...

There are people much worse off than you!

Umm... no I'm not. Really, no. Nuh uh. Not at all. Uh... maybe?

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning.

It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Yeah, I like to cook. Yes, I am good at it. I try to be modest, but I really enjoy cooking for people. I just don't know if I want to do it in a restaurant. I enjoy more intimate gatherings for my culinary displays.

You've Experienced 56% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s.

You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to.

Regardless of your age, you may feel like you are still getting started.

Don't forget to look back at how far you've come. You've traveled a lot further than you might think.

Wow, scary. Pegged my age rather well on this one.

Your Love Number is 1

You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argument

You take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective.

You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart.

At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around.

I think this is true. All but maybe the losing perspective part. I think I have a tendency to put the desires of those I care about in front of my own personal needs. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself and less time trying to be everything for someone else.

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...

But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.

You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets

You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Again with the perspective line. I think I needed to trust my instincts more instead of constantly giving of myself when I wasn't getting in return.

You Had a Bad Year

Your year was horrible. There's no other way to say it.

A lot went wrong for you, and you're still recovering from it.

The good news is that things probably won't get worse for you.

So look forward to the new year, where things will hopeful be much better!

Yeah, it hasn't been the greatest year.

You Are a Lizard

You are intuitive and sensitive.

You pay close attention to your subconscious and your dreams.

You embrace your fears and the darker side of life.

It's easy for you to be detached and objective when you need to be.

You are able to let go easily. You don't get attached to much.

And considering how often you change course, people shouldn't get too attached to you.

Well, I do have occasional bouts of communication silence as anyone who knows me can attest.

You Are Not Prissy

You're the furthest thing from a princess - and you probably stay far away from any princess types you know.

You have an easygoing approach to living. It doesn't take a lot to make you happy.

And when life requires it, you're ready to get your hand a little dirty.

There's no problem you're too prissy to tackle!

I think this one might be off. Perhaps I'm not prissy per say, but I can be very finicky. Like when Brandon and I insisted on learning how to give ourselves manicures and pedicures, or my habit of trying to always wear matching socks. I guess I am just OCD about things sometimes, not prissy.

Your Word is "Think"

You see life as an amazing mix of possibilities, ideas, and fascinations.

And sometimes you feel like you don't have enough time to take it all in.

You love learning. Whether you're in school or not, you're probably immersed in several subjects right now.

When you're not learning, you're busy reflecting. You think a lot about the people you know and the things you've experienced.

Yes, that's true. Everything in life is meant to be experienced and used for personal growth and development. Make today a better tomorrow.

*sighs* I just wish Azalia was here with me to experience everything. There are so many things I want to talk to her about. She really is my best friend. Well, maybe was my best friend. I haven't given up hope on that. Maybe she'll drop all of this and we'll be able to work things out.

I'm willing to be separate from her for awhile if that is what she wants, but I don't want to be divorced or restricted from seeing my children. I love them all very much and miss them terribly. When Meghan passed the message from Azalia that Azalia's Aunt Elizabeth was on her death bed, all I wanted to do was to drop everything and comfort her regardless of the consequences.

I knew that it wasn't possible though. That to be there for Azalia I had to not be there. Nothing could be helped by me doing something that foolish and irrational. When I learned that she had died and I had missed the funeral, I felt like I had failed Azalia in my duties to her as her husband to help her through this difficult time. I'd give anything to have been there and held her close, but I can't.

For my part, I'm sorry things turned out like this. I should have just left her alone all that day. She was upset and I was trying to be supportive. She took out her feelings on me and I got hurt and became defensive. I just wanted to help and make her feel better. I even suggested something that she later said she was going to take me up on and just couldn't bring herself to telling me that I was right.

What I don't understand is, why? Why did she over-react? Why did she treat me so badly? Why did she get physical with me? Why? What is the real reason behind how she has been treating me for so long? Is it true that she has been cheating on me and this was just a convenient way to get me out of the picture? Why wasn't she trying to work things out? Why was it always a power struggle with her? Why was she always looking for weapons to use against me? Why was she always trying to control me? Why did it always have to be her way or the highway?

Why didn't anyone listen to me when I repeatedly asked for help? My father especially was bad at this. I told him what was going on multiple times and his answer was always along the lines of "just say 'yes dear'" or "it's not that bad, just give her what she wants" or "just let her cool off and then apologize to her." It's like he never listened to me. He just wanted me to grin and bear it, to accept responsibility for everything that ever went wrong. That even if she was wrong, to not call her on it or to just roll over and take a few shots to appease her. I really don't understand.

You Are a Salty Person

When it comes to snacks, you're more likely to grab a bag of chips over a bag of cookies.

There's a good chance you're male (men prefer salty snacks)...

Or at least, you feel very comfortable in male dominated environments.

Your taste tends to be complex, sophisticated, and adult.

You tend to crave your favorite restaurant meal... or mom's cooking.

Yeah, I had to break up the dramatic rant with something random. I don't even know if I'm correct in saying all of those things, especially in a publicly available blog. The heck with it, I'm not labeling it as private. I want no secrets or lies on my conscience. I'm not ashamed of myself. I know what happened and I've told the truth. Whatever the consequences of that are, I will deal with whatever comes and work through it to attain the best possible conclusion. Whether it involves sacrifices on my part, I don't care. I won't give up. I'll keep hoping that Azalia and I can get through this together and grow from it. I'll do whatever I can to see that we become stronger and closer in our relationship through this.

I just hope she is willing to try as well. I don't know what she is doing or who she is talking to or whether or not she has been faithful to me through out it all. I have. I've given so much of myself up for her, and I think I still have a little more I'm willing to give. All I'm asking for is for all of this to be dropped so we can talk and decide together how to work this out.

When it all first happened, I was too devastated to think clearly about anything. I now know what I want. I did some soul searching and what I want is to be with her and the kids. If that is what she wants too, which I hope it is, then we need to talk to work things out. Being mature doesn't mean giving up, it means working on things even if it hurts and honoring the commitments and responsibilities that come with being an adult. Nothing ever came from giving up.

Well, I don't know who is going to read this or how much of it is going to get back to her; but this was more about what I needed to get off of my chest about how I feel and I don't regret it. Come whatever may be, I will adapt and survive.