Sunday, October 18, 2009

This is just not right.

I am just sickened right now. Azalia continues to pass messages, the most hurtful ones she can think of apparently, while I sit here and try to hold together the last bits of my self-preservation instinct I have left. Those of you who've spoken to me recently know the score and how far Azalia has taken this, how many lies she has told, and how badly I'd like to just end it all.

Now this little bit is passed to me: Azalia wants me to give up my parental rights. She thinks I'll do this because she believes I just don't want to pay child support. All I can say is, I am sickened.

I can only hope this is not her idea. I can only hope she has not degenerated to this level.

All the hell I have been through lately has been in order to be able to be with my children and has blown up in my face. I have been lied to as well as about. I am just sickened and saddened beyond words.

I love my children and my wife with all of my heart and I would die for them. If this keeps up, I will die for them. I really don't feel like there is anything I can do to help them by being here anymore.

Terminating my parental rights would be the same as suicide for me. I just don't understand why she hates me so much. I gave her everything she ever asked for and more. I changed myself to please her until I forgot who I was.

I still don't recognize the face I see in the mirror. I still have nightmares every night that wake me up at 3:00am. I'm still paralyzed with fear every time I have to deal with any of this because it just never seems to improve, only get worse.

Does she really want me dead? I've had more than one person say yes to that. I just don't get it. This is not the attitude of a woman with a sane mind.

People say I need to get help, but I did and was told basically that I'm fine. Nothing unusual, considering my situation, to be depressed or suicidal at times. I was told to remain social and try to deal with the emotions when they came my way by interacting with others. Talk them out and get it off your chest. Well, I've done that and I'm continuing to do that... so why isn't anything getting better?

Who here knows where Hammerburg road is? It's a long straight strip of road that ends in a brick wall. I personally know a few people that have made that run and never come back. Is that really the best option I have right now? I don't want to believe that, but the evidence keeps pointing in that direction.

I'm not saying that no one cares or that I won't be missed. I'm not doing this to be selfish and take myself out of other peoples lives, but I know the world won't stop spinning if I'm not in it. I'm not conceited enough to believe that I'll be more than a memory once I'm gone. Life will go on.

Right now though, I'm just sickened. Sickened that such an idea would pass through those lips that I so often kissed with more love and passion than I ever felt for anything in my life. I gave her everything I was and she could never accept me for what I am.

You know, I hope that no one out there ever has to deal with this kind of nightmare. This isn't something you put someone you love through. There is no justification. Love is forever, even if you don't like someone, and you always try to do what would be best for them to grow and develop into the best that they can be. I have always honored that vow and I always will, no matter what she puts me through. I just wish it was mutual.

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