Tuesday, October 20, 2009

To those of you reading my blogs and getting upset.

I'm not doing well right now, but I'm working through it. I have suicidal thoughts when I'm pushed beyond what I think I can handle. I'm not doing it to be selfish. I blog to work out my feelings and emotions, like I used to do with my private notebook before Azalia went through my things and read it. I was very hurt by that, especially since she read it to others too.

I post my entries from Ping.fm which doesn't set things as private when you post them, but I don't care about hiding my thoughts and emotions because my privacy may get violated anyways. There are glitches in software and people who will always try to hack someone's account and reveal their private lives. Why bother hiding it if it would be less painful to just have it out there to begin with?

What you read is the inner workings of my mind. I hurt, a lot, but I chose not to be here for now. If my thoughts and emotions and my sharing of them upsets you, I'm sorry. It is how I deal with things, my coping mechanism.

I write it down without censoring myself, and then I read it. I evaluate what I may be doing right and what I may be doing wrong and try to make things better. The physical representation of my mind on a page allows me to explore more deeply just what is going on in my life and how I am dealing with it in comparison to how I should be dealing with it. I put it out there for the world to see because I don't like secrets, lies, or deception. I am real.

I love my family. I love my friends and that includes all of you I've spoken online with. Most of all, I love my children.

Life is a series of moments, my friends. It's only purpose is that which we give it. Regardless of religious decree or moral imperative, the immutable truth of existence is Panta Rei Ouden Meni. Perhaps an oxymoron due to it being a rule itself, but translated from Greek it means "everything flows, nothing is static." Enjoy what moments come your way, allow and help others to do the same.

No one needs to suffer in this world. We have the ability to eliminate that, but not the desire. We could all spend every day of our lives creating and making the world brighter and more fulfilling for everyone, but instead we grasp at every feeble and selfish desire with the tenacity of a drowning rat.

I've said it before it my writings that a few friends have read, that no one can control you unless you let them. In a sense that is true, because at the end of the day when you rest your head wherever you may be, you are the one who ultimately has to learn to live with your life and the choices you have made. However, there is something to be said about environment and the choices dictated by it. Not everyone has been given the opportunity to pursue the choices they would like to make and the majority of those choices are made in ignorance of what the outcome may be or with intentions far removed from the reality of the situation.

I want to be home right now, with my wife and children. I wish my most pressing concern was my school work, keeping up with my classes, getting the kids ready for school themselves, perhaps getting a few moments alone to be an Adult and a person of my own and not what the necessities of the situation dictate my choices are. Sadly, that is not where I am right now and that choice was not mine to make. It was dictated by others through lies and manipulation.

I've ranted enough. If you've made it this far and are still offended, then all I can say is I am sorry to have offended you. Have a nice day.

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